just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
