there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Actions speak louder than pants.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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