Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
