Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
