i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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