i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
