1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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