I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
third nipple confirmed
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I need to calm my uterus...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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