My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
i believe in u and ur pee
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
