just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
