Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Semen is not good for contacts.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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