I faked an abortion last night.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
