Your face is a jimmy john
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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