Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
