when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
