Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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