My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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