JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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