someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
