Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
