I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
