thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
