we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Randomize
