I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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