It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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