Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
