my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
