why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
