Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
