True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
