The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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