I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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