last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
