i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
