It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
