So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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