I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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