Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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