You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
