i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
