awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
