u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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