I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
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