I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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