hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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