I wish life had little blips of pornography
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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