So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
