it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
