apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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