I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
whose parrot is this?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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