so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
