i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
